The court is going to look at what has been documented through law enforcement. The court does not care about affairs or why the marriage ended. Stay focused on what matters, which is creating a strong coparenting relationship with your child’s father. This is the person you chose to make children with. Own that. If parents are at war and hate each other, part of the child hates himself—remember that. Be matter-of-fact…the court is going to put the financials through the dissomaster and it will be what it is. There’s no point in fighting about it—if neither one of you has recorded domestic violence, drug, repeated DUI or other charges, then you will get 50% in California and many other states. Most likely, he will not be able to have the children full-time and neither will you. When you go to court, be sure to say “our children,” be sure to express a strong desire to coparent, be sure to share that you always want to do what is in the best interest of the children.

Again the court does not care who cheated on who—it doesn’t matter in their considerations, as many factors go into the dissolution of a marriage. The court is looking to see who is rational, who is kind, who is the parent who truly is looking out for the children rather than looking for validation of their pain or hurt ego. Is it painful? Yes. Does the court care? No. Remember they are hearing hundreds of cases a week, and they are looking for neglect, abuse, and criminality. If you don’t have that, they don’t care about your personal story, they don’t have the time.

The parenting plan can be established and agreed to quickly, then the financials usually take a little bit longer. If you fight about the financials you’ll end up basically where you would have when you started except a few hundred thousand dollars out of pocket—the best thing to do is to rely on the dissomaster report and move on with your life.

I do coparenting plans and custodial schedules, including financials, for child support, alimony, orthodontia, cars, cell phone, college, communication guidelines, all the things to set you up for success. The documents we create are sent to the attorney, who puts it into their format and submits it into court, saving you both money and heartache. You can DM me if you are interested in that service. I help couples who are at war stay focused on the prize—the children that they at one time really wanted to have together. Changing the story of your family always has repercussions for children. It is up to you and their father to decide what this is going to look like. 

Your kids are counting on you to keep your emotional issues private, always out of earshot, and to share them only in a very small, safe adult circle that you can create for yourself—a circle of people who want the best for you—and that does not include them. (If you include them in the adult matters, you are putting them at risk for suicide ideation, and nonsuicidal self injury in the teenage years. We are tribal by nature, show them that they are still part of a strong tribe even though it will have two roofs.) Children just want to live their little child life—give them that gift and they will be whole.