This situation can be challenging, especially when your baby is so young and you are doing so much to care for your child and for yourself. Be gentle with yourself and keep your focus on your baby.
It’s important to know securely attached infants are consistently attended to promptly and with loving kindness, building trust in others and their environment. As the primary caregiver, you are the most important person in your baby’s life, and the person with the greatest influence on how your child’s stress response will develop. That is, you are laying the foundation of how your child will get their needs met throughout their life and how they will respond in stressful situations. This is known as distress tolerance.
Your attention and affection when your child is in distress builds your child’s sense of belonging in the world. When a child knows their needs will be attended to, they do not have to escalate their emotions to “finally” get your attention, or worse, receive your negative attention. Babies under two benefit from your keen and prompt attention. As your child grows, keep attending to their needs, while gradually building their self-reliance, with you as their able guide.
As your securely attached child grows, they will venture from you when they are ready, little by little, knowing you are nearby. They go back and forth from their calm, consistent leader to people and items in their environment that catch their attention. This distance grows as they grow.
All too soon, they feel confident and have the skills they need to live an independent life. Even as adults, they will be able to rely on you as an approachable, go-to person for love and guidance. This is the ultimate gift of parenting.
As far as your side of the family shaming you for caring for your child in the way you see best, boundaries can help. Kindly say, “Thank you for sharing your thoughts.” You don’t need to justify your parenting to anyone, even your family. If they persist in a way that is uncomfortable to you, say, “I prefer not to discuss parenting methods. We can enjoy our time together and discuss other topics.” If they continue beyond this clear boundary, you may decide to limit or eliminate your time with them based on your own needs and well-being.
There is a quiet voice in you that knows what is right. Quiet yourself and listen gently for it. What does that voice say? We go wrong as parents when we don’t trust our own quiet voice.
This is your time to create the security and validation your child will attune to and ultimately use to form secure, productive attachments in adulthood.
