Living things expand, then contract. Marriage is like a living organism, like a lifespan. We expand to middle age, then our form begins to contract. Mother Earth is expanding, and like other celestial beings, will eventually contract.
We hold the ability in marriage to live a lifetime of expansion through informed, conscious decision-making and daily actions toward expansion. Here are some steps toward a shared lifetime of expansion in marriage.
Expansion in Marriage
- Go to bed at the same time.
Research shows that couples who share a bedtime experience greater relationship satisfaction, intimacy, and alignment in their daily rhythms (Hasler et al., 2016). Going to bed together gives you a quiet, shared moment to connect—and fosters emotional closeness. - Go, be, and do together.
Joint activities build shared meaning and memories. Studies find that couples who try new things together and spend time in mutual pursuits report greater happiness and resilience (Aron et al., 2000). Novelty re-energizes love. - Leave contempt at the door, see each other with loving kindness.
Dr. John Gottman’s work identifies contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce. In contrast, relationships thrive when partners treat each other with fondness and admiration—even during conflict (Gottman, 1994). - Go into loving practice yourself when you aren’t getting what you want from your partner.
Relationship satisfaction isn’t about control—it’s about contribution. Research on emotional regulation and attachment shows that turning inward with self-soothing, generosity, and calm helps couples get unstuck and often leads to more positive partner responses (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). - It’s not 50-50. Put the scorecard away. Every day, week, year, it is 60-40, 30-70, 90-10. Notice where your partner is, and fill in the gap. It works if you both do it. Never scorecard and be generous.
Equity theory in relationships suggests that fairness matters—but healthy couples don’t obsess over exact equality. Instead, they give more during times their partner is depleted and trust that it balances out over time (Walster et al., 1978). - Anytime you’re feeling negative or a sense of lack, pause and put equal or greater energy into thinking of all the good things.
Gratitude is a powerful relationship tool. Research shows that expressing and focusing on appreciation increases relational satisfaction, emotional connection, and even physical health (Algoe et al., 2010). - Keep looking at each other. Couples who split lose eye contact over time.
Eye contact activates oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” and maintains emotional intimacy. Over time, a drop in shared gaze is associated with emotional distancing (Babcock et al., 2021). Keep looking—really looking—at each other. - Each anniversary, have a State of the Marriage Summit. Write two lists—one of “sorry for” and one of “thank you for.” Exchange lists.
Reflective rituals build resilience. Apologizing and appreciating are two of the most repair-oriented actions couples can take, helping prevent emotional build-up and strengthening trust (Gordon, Baucom, & Snyder, 2004). - Then, write a list of what you want to start, stop, and continue doing with your precious time together.
Intentional planning keeps love proactive, not reactive. Couples who check in on goals and habits together report stronger partnership and a sense of shared purpose (Markman et al., 1993). - Always choose kindness. Always. Period. Dot at the end.
Kindness is a relationship superpower. Dr. Gottman’s decades of research finds that couples who show consistent kindness—especially during conflict—create lasting, satisfying marriages. It’s not just what you fight about, but how you treat each other in the midst of it.
